Judgement Afternoon
by OTR Barcelona
Summary: The Doctor spends an afternoon in an isolation tank and runs into his first self. Old Grumpy wants to have a chat with each of his regenerations to see what they have done with his legacy. Who is the eleventh Doctor to refuse?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

He was falling through time and space. He didn't know where he was going or what he was doing. He only had one thought: did someone leave the kettle on? No, that wasn't it. Wasn't it something to do with reversing the polarity of the neutron flow, or how sticks of celery tied to your lapel are insanely cool? He tried blinking hard, and produced a corridor of shimmering sparks before his eyes that his astral form fired itself through like a photon cannon ball.

Trying to right himself he jolted himself forward only to receive a glancing blow to the forehead before splashing back into the bath of soothing water. That's when he remembered: the isolation tank. It was a present from one of Clara's more eclectic friends. The present had actually been for Clara herself, but she had received an emergency call at the last second; class 11F had an extra session that afternoon, but their teacher hadn't arrived. She would have rather taken on a host of Weeping Angels than a group of hormone laden 16-year olds asking her about her personal life, but if these bright sparks were to become the decision makers of the future, they would need to understand the intricacies of President Roosevelt's Alphabet Agencies first.

So when she took off on her cute little motorbike, which wasn't disguised as a police box, and didn't make a "whooshing" sound upon materialising (in fact it didn't materialise at all), the Doctor just had to step in. Literally. If nothing else, just because the isolation tank would be all booked up for the next eight weeks.

It was just as he began to realise that, if he had to drift through the cosmos, he would rather be in the comfort of his own TARDIS, that the illusion of stars began to give way. The glowing matte of flashing pin pricks began to melt in front of him, but it was the smell that he noticed first. It was like the smell of flicking through the pages of a dusty old book and wondering what nuggets nestle within its pages. As he savoured his first deep breath, he became aware that his feet had sunk into a heavy carpet. He snapped open his eyes to see where he was. It was a library. He was in front of two bookshelves of dark mahogany laden with tomes that frankly looked older than himself. The shelves were split apart by a roaring log fire above which was a painting. It took a moment for him to realise what it was as his eyes became accustomed to the dark. His mouth dropped open as he realised it was a skilled painting of a blue police box: the disguise his TARDIS had been wearing for the last millennium. Almost without thinking he took a step towards it, reaching out his hand. But before he felt the dried brush strokes, he heard a voice, an eerie, familiar voice behind him.

"Well what did you expect to find here?" The voice had a superior, patronising tone. As he whirled around, he knew exactly who would be standing there. Yet still, his left heart skipped a beat. There before him was the man who had seen the early caveman discover fire, who had fought back the Dalek invasion of earth and had met with the Azteks. It was the Doctor. The first Doctor, with a withered face, silver hair, and leaning on his cane. He went on. "Don't you remember what it said in the advertisement?"

The eleventh Doctor folded his arms. "I remember exactly what it said. Word for word".

The first Doctor raised a chastising finger. "A rhetorical question, my dear boy. Any Gallifreyan would be able to remember every last detail or he would hardly be deserving of his heritage, now would he? The purpose of my question was not to test your memory but your reasoning ability".

The eleventh Doctor was beginning to feel glad he'd only experienced this grumpy chap from the inside as he recalled the advertisement. "'Aceteck Isolation Tanks. Cut yourself off from the outside world to find your true self'".

The first Doctor smiled. "Which, for a human, is a very simple matter. But to a Timelord, who can have many true selves…"

The eleventh Doctor cut him off and pointed to his own head. "So that means you're all in here? All ten of you? Rocketing around my head like ball bearings in a giant pinball machine?"

"My dear boy, I have no idea what you're rattling on about. Nonetheless, it is true that your experience in this clumsy human device has revealed parts of you which you had thought long forgotten".

"So you're all still there somewhere?"

"Tell me, who do you think it is that dreams your dreams?"

The eleventh Doctor slapped his own forehead. "Okay, that's it, I want out! If I knew that a session in the tank would mean a lecture with Old Grumpy, I'd have found a nice little knitting class to go to!"

"Or perhaps you could humour me".

"What do you mean?"

"My dear boy, most of your travels and vicissitudes are still in my future".

"So?"

"So I would like to see what the men that followed me have done with my legacy".

The eleventh Doctor took a deep breath. "You mean you want to meet them? All your other selves?"

"Quite, quite. After all, wouldn't you be interested in meeting your next regeneration?

"Well, that's where we differ, because I'm the last".

The first Doctor could only smile and gently shake his head. "My dear boy, have you not yet grasped the notion of future uncertainty? The future isn't writ. Not for anyone. And certainly not for you. Now, come on, let's establish some rules. After all, what have you to lose? It's not like your surrendering to a horde of Daleks".

"No, I'm surrendering to a man who wanted to crush a caveman's skull".

"Oh, please, let's not keep going back to that. After all, our ability to change is the whole point of this discussion, is it not?"

The eleventh Doctor ran his hand through his hair. "All right. You get one session. With each of your lives. When you want to go to the next one, click your fingers".

"I'm afraid I no longer find that so easy, young man. Give me a password, something to say".

The eleventh Doctor smiled. "Okay. How about 'fish fingers and custard'?"

The first Doctor screwed his face up in disgust. "What a revolting idea. Next you'll be telling me I develop a penchant for those horrible jelly babies".

The eleventh Doctor sighed even as the older, more cantankerous man pointed a finger at him. "So to you, my future self, I say 'fish fingers and custard'!"

With that the eleventh Doctor vanished from his own hallucination. There was no puff of smoke, no energy signature to mark his passing. Only that in his place was now a smaller, seemingly middle aged man, wearing a thick brown fur coat tied about his waist with a piece of rope. He lowered the recorder he had casually been carrying. "Oh, confound those teleportation devices, I can never seem to get them to work!". He raised his head to notice the silver haired man facing him and took in a deep breath. "Oh, it's you. And I suppose I'm in for a severe telling off?"


	2. Chapter 2

**The Second Doctor**

The two men stood in the dusty old library just regarding each other. There was an uncomfortable silence between them, one that the second Doctor just couldn't tolerate any longer. "Well come on then, say what you have to say. I have plenty of things to do with my time, like fix that confounded teleporter! If you have something to say, say it. Otherwise, just let me go on my way".

The first Doctor grasped his lapels and breathed in like he was about to deliver a long oratory. "Well I should think I have something to say! What have you done? Where is your dignity? And why are you dressed like that?"

"Well it fits doesn't it? It's comfortable. That was always your problem, you know, you always had to appear so much better. Are you aware how many ice planets there are out there? Or planets like earth that have ice ages every so often?"

"But what about my legacy? You still call yourself 'the Doctor' do you not? And why should anyone look to you for answers dressed like that?"

"Should they always look to me for answers?"

"Certainly! If you travel with human companions it is only logical for them to look to you for an answer for every question they have! You are their intellectual superior. You must be aware of your proper station!"

The second Doctor waved the recorder around in the air, so fast that it blurted out a rather clumsy G flat. "Oh tommyrot! How are they ever to believe in themselves if I…", he paused and blinked, "…_we _do everything for them? They aren't without potential themselves, and isn't that the role of a teacher? To let his students realise their potential?"

As the second Doctor said these words, he noticed that the first Doctor's eyes were tightly shut. He realised that he was accessing his future memories. This was a shared psyche after all. But he still couldn't shake the feeling that his predecessor was somehow cheating. The first Doctor opened his eyes. "And what about the Scottish barbarian? Did he realise his potential?"

"Jamie? Of course. As two men, both out of time, we became more like friends than student and teacher".

The first Doctor shook his head. "No. I can see. You simply don't understand, do you?"

"Understand what?!"

"You don't understand that all you gave your companions was a false hope. You allowed them to believe they were something they were not, that they could be your equal in all your adventures. And where is 'Jamie' now? Is he a leading scientist or explorer? Has his time travelling with you even changed him one bit?"

"Well now that's unfair. He doesn't remember his time in the TARDIS".

"And I suppose that's just as well. It's good that he doesn't remember your sugar coated version of the universe where a barbarian in a kilt can hold back the Dalek hordes!"

"Now just one minute there! You know as well as I do that the universe is a dangerous place! If we are to let humanity fly to the stars then surely we have to give them the confidence to believe that they can do it!"

"And who said it has to be us who lets humanity see the stars? Who appointed you to be the human race's astral guide?"

"Well no one. But don't forget you were quite happy to take human companions as well. Even kidnapped the first two as I recall".

"There we go again. Total exaggeration. I merely grew tired of planet earth in 1963 and left".

"And how much longer would it have taken you to let them out of the TARDIS before leaving? Ten seconds? Twenty?"

"It was they who entered the TARDIS. Surely it was their responsibility to leave, seeing as they were so anxious to force their way in".

The second Doctor folded his arms. "You are totally impossible".

The first Doctor raised his head. "A fact I am supremely proud of".

"Yes", replied the second Doctor, "even though I was every bit as effective as you were. Maybe more".

The first Doctor's face turned into a mask of rage. "Effective? You?!"

"Well let's just say I didn't have to rely on Ian Chesterton half of the time".

"And you didn't rely on your companions?"

"Not in the same way you did. I allowed them to get us out of difficult situations. You needed Chesterton. And all the others for that matter, you needed them. You just don't have the humility to admit it".

"Humility? Yes, I suppose that's it. And you, my dear fellow, are the very embodiment of humility. Flying around space and time, dressed as a cosmic hobo, playing a recorder. Why you belong in a circus tent, not in the TARDIS. It's no wonder the Timelords put a stop to you".

The second Doctor frowned. "How dare you! You mean to say they were right to do what they did?"

The first Doctor raised a chastising finger. "You had begun to falter. To take too much interest in earth. To allow history to be changed. The fundamental laws of the universe aren't to be trifled with, even by us".

"But I was only trying to do good".

"You were doing so much good that the universe would have eventually become reliant on you. The only universe that can progress is a universe that helps itself".

"Which is precisely why I made sure my friends believed in themselves. Only the Timelords were too much like you to see it".

"What did you say?"

"That in all your arrogance, you began to become the very thing you were trying to get away from. Your regeneration into me was the best thing that could have happened. For you, for the earth, for the entire universe. What do you say to that, Doctor?"

The first Doctor screwed up his face. "Oh… Fish fingers and custard!"

For a tiny sliver of time, a look of abject horror crossed the second Doctor's face. Then, as quickly as he arrived, he disappeared, only to be replaced by a taller man with greying hair in a splendid burgundy suit. He looked as if he had been concentrating on something as he glanced up at the first Doctor. "Oh, my turn, is it. I'll be with you in a second. Just when I've reversed the polarity of the neutron flow".

The first Doctor shook his head in pity. "My dear fellow, how can you reverse the polarity of a neutron flow when it is electrons, not neutrons that flow around a circuit?"

The newcomer stood up, his previous problem seemingly forgotten. "I'm sorry?"

"I think it's time we had a talk about that and all your other grandiose claims, isn't it, my good man?"


	3. Chapter 3

**The Third Doctor**

Snapping off his sonic screwdriver, the third Doctor stood at his full height, a look of clear disdain creasing his brow. "Claims? What claims do you mean?"

The first Doctor adopted his patronising smile, the look that suggested absolutely anyone should be able to guess what he was thinking, with the sole exception of the man he was talking to. "Well, that you can reverse the polarity of a neutron flow. Something you are particularly fond of saying".

The third Doctor exhaled impatiently. "Is that all?"

"Hardly. What about deliberately trying to give the impression that you have somehow mastered the art of Venusian Aikido? It may have impressed the lovely Jo Grant, but to someone who knows there is no such thing…"

"Look! In the course of working with human, those such as us, who have travelled in the forth dimension, sometimes need to simplify what we say to grant them understanding!"

"Grant _them _understanding?! This of course coming from the Doctor who couldn't pilot the TARDIS?"

"You know full well that the Timelords deliberately took that ability away from me! My first memory was recovering from the trauma of what was, in effect, my own execution. Something you never had to deal with, but had no small part in causing when you ran off. And besides, I learnt how to fly it again. Something you never had to do".

The first Doctor's expression grew even more smug. "And in the meantime, you spent all your time on a primitive mud ball, trying to impress the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce with elementary Gallifreyan science".

"No, I worked with UNIT to defend the earth from all manner of deadly dangers. I saved the world more times that you ever did!"

"Yes, from creatures you probably attracted".

The third Doctor looked disgusted. "What did you say?"

"Creatures that you attracted. It was hardly coincidence, don't you think, that so many creatures came to imperil the earth while you were on it? The Sontarans, the Autons. And of course the biggest threat of all: the Master. A rogue Timelord I had always kept one step ahead of. But now he knew you were stuck on one planet, he couldn't resist. You knew he wouldn't!"

"As I said before, the Timelords had stranded me on earth and removed the secret of the TARDIS from my mind. And besides, I always managed to keep the Master at bay".

"There again, that absurd arrogance. You know the Master was always your superior. He scored higher than you at every test in the Academy".

"No, my dear man, he scored higher than you. Two regenerations on and I beat him at every turn, and with far more primitive technology".

The first Doctor gave a mirthless laugh.

"What?!" asked the third Doctor.

"Primitive technology. Now why don't we talk about that".

The third Doctor rubbed his hands together. "Yes, let's".

"All right then. Tell me about Bessie".

The third Doctor abruptly stopped rubbing his hands and turned a shade redder. "What about Bessie?"

"Well, she was you trusted little yellow car, was she not? Did you not take go on little drives with her through the English countryside looking rather foolish?"

"Are you suggesting she made me look ridiculous?"

"Why no, my dear boy, you managed that all on your own! She just made you look more ridiculous!"

"Well what about the TARDIS itself? It was hardly a hip disco piece, now, was it?"

"My dear boy, I have no idea what you are talking about. Suffice it to say that the TARDIS looked as it did to blend in. Bessie had the opposite effect on you. And then jumping out of helicopters, piloting primitive hover cars. You weren't merely _using _primitive technology. You were glorifying every second of it! You were trying to look like that Jimmy Bond!"

A hint of a grin returned to the third Doctor's face. "Something I did rather well, I thought".

"Well there we go again. Misplaced pride. Of course you looked good next to a human! You are from a superior species".

The third Doctor folded his arms. "Do you really think we're superior?"

"Why yes, of course, I'm rather flabbergasted you asked me that question! We were travelling through the cosmos when they were still savages living in caves!"

"You mean like that 'savage' you tried to kill?"

The first Doctor grunted. "Is everyone going to mention that?"

"Well let's just say if you presume to judge us, can't we all judge you? After all it was your running from Gallifrey that caused the Timelords to chase us in the first place. And at every turn, you had to prove to them just how superior you were!"

"Well I am superior".

"Intellectually, perhaps. But there are other ways and means to evaluate people. Humans may be primitive, but the human heart has just as great a capacity for good as those of any Gallifreyan. Maybe more".

"And if that is all you can say, your argument fails right there. It is in intellectual excellence that races must be measured. It is the only metric that truly counts".

The third Doctor laughed quietly. This only proved to annoy his predecessor. "What's so funny".

"Well it just occurred to me that if that's the only metric that matters, you have to admit that the Master is superior to you".

A look of abject rage filled the first Doctor's face. "Fish fingers and custard!"

The third Doctor moved to point at him only to silently disappear. He was replaced by a seemingly younger man with a mop of curly brown hair partially hidden by a wide brimmed hat. He wore a light beige coat, and had a scarf so long around his neck that one end dragged along the floor. He looked toward his predecessor and spoke with a deep booming voice. "Ah, hello. And I suppose I am to be next then". As he spoke he raised a small paper bag. "But first, would you like a jelly baby?"

With a speed that belied his age, the first Doctor raised his cane, knocking the bag out of the other man's hand. Lots of tiny sweets fell to the floor. The first Doctor grinned at the other man who frankly looked shocked. "Well that's just wonderful. I knew my cane would come in handy".


	4. Chapter 4

**The Fourth Doctor**

The new arrival took in a deep breath and widened his eyes in what any casual onlooker could have easily interpreted as abject shock. "Now why would you do that?" he boomed.

"For the same reason I now do this". The white haired man closed his eyes and concentrated. With a series of pops the strewn sweets vanished into nothingness one by one. "Well it is my mindscape after all. I can't have litter lying around".

The fourth Doctor stood to his full height. "'Litter?' You just wiped out twenty-seven pounds worth of jelly babies! People on Raxos IV would kill for such treasure!"

"'Twenty-seven pounds'? What kind of puerile confectionery is possibly worth that?!"

"Why confectionery from the 84th Century of course. Jelly babies may endure forever, but even men such as we can't top inflation".

The first Doctor looked disappointed. "They still have those horrible things in the 84th century?"

The man in the scarf shot his predecessor a grin so wide his face could barely contain it. "Why of course! They may have filled in the Grand Canyon by then but true genius…" he flicked his fingers and a red sweet appeared in his hand, "… now that endures!" He popped the sweet into his mouth. "Sontaran passion fruit!" he exclaimed. "The best flavour in eternity!" He took a moment to savour the taste and then swallowed it. "Now, much as I would absolutely love to stand in this dusty library talking about earth haute cuisine, I presume you have summoned me here for quite another reason. Something to do with your legacy?"

"Quite, quite. Although I think I've seen enough of you already".

"Seen enough of me? I hardly think so! Why back in the day the universe simply couldn't get enough of me! But tell me what you've seen, Doctor. Tell me what you think".

"I 'think', my good man, that you have taken so much to trivialities and the most sublime of minutiae that you have forgotten what is truly important in life".

"'Trivialities'? 'Minutiae'? But these are the very things that make the tapestry of the universe so rich! Why if I couldn't enjoy a jelly baby after taking on an army of Cybermen, what would all my struggles be for?"

"Well, talking of struggles, my good man, what about that scarf? It looks terribly cumbersome and must get in the way of things".

"Well, yes it is. And it does. But it certainly keeps you warm on an ice planet".

"And what about that hat? It would make you look like a farmer if the rest of you wasn't so… bohemian!"

"'Bohemian'?" The fourth Doctor grinned. "Well, yes, I suppose I am. But it does get me noticed!"

"Yes, I'm sure it does. As I recall, the Timelords noticed you only too often. They persisted in sending you on outlandish missions that took you away from your true purpose".

"And what is my 'true purpose', Doctor? Enlighten me!"

"To travel, to observe, and to only take action when absolutely necessary!"

"Yes, quite right. But it turned out to be absolutely necessary for me quite a lot, wouldn't you say?"

"Nothing in all our lives was more necessary than stopping the creation of the Daleks. It was you, only you, who had that chance. And you squandered it!"

"But Sarah and Harry! Their lives were in danger!"

"Two people's lives. What about all the millions of lives the Daleks took over the years?"

"But what about the billions of lives that would have been taken in countless wars by peoples whose fear of the Daleks united them?"

"My dear boy, surely you must understand that what you are saying is pure speculation. You can't possibly know about what worlds the Daleks would have enslaved had you halted their genesis".

The fourth Doctor puffed out his cheeks. "Glom".

"What did you say?"

"Glom. A small world near Raxicorico—however you pronounce it. When I was on Skaro, I noticed that the early Daleks were very interested in visiting that world. But since I halted their development, they must have altered their plans, and as far as I know, the Absorbaloffs have never come into contact was Davros' evil creations".

The first Doctor snorted. "You say that as if it is a good thing".

"Well for the Absorbaloffs it certainly is! Anyway, I was sent to Skaro by the Timelords. It wasn't like I had time to plan".

"And as I say, my dear fellow, you allowed the Timelords to meddle in your affairs far too often. For instance, have you forgotten about the assassination attempt on Gallifrey? How the Master trapped you in a virtual world?"

"Well of course I do. He called it the 'Matrix' as I recall. And do you know I managed to get out of it without bending a single spoon!"

"My dear boy, you are even more obtuse than your predecessors! And what about your choice of companion?"

"Are you talking about Romana? If that's the case, remember that she was one of the few Timelords with multiple-choice regenerations. She went through a whole catalogue of possibilities in front of me, so in a way, she was her own choice of companion, if you get my meaning".

The first Doctor shook his head patronisingly. "Unbelievable. You instantly jump to the most reliable companion you had".

"Well, which one are you talking about? Leela?" The first Doctor shook his head.

"Harry? Sarah-Jane? Adric?"

"No, you fool", cried the first Doctor. "I'm talking about that metal dog!"

"K-9? How could you be so cruel to man's metal best friend?"

"I'll tell you how; in my day, I relied on my wits, my cunning and my courage".

"And occasionally Ian Chesterton".

"Is everyone going to mention that?"

"Well, sorry, but it was really quite evident. He often did things that old infirm body of yours simply wasn't up to".

"And a tin dog was?!"

"K-9 was cutting edge! True sometimes his motivators and sensors needed maintenance, but he was the most faithful companion I've ever had. His calculations could rival the TARDIS computers!"

"Unlike those dreadful ones you helped advertise!"

"Well, we have to give the humans hope! After all, if we can't bring them something to hope for, why we have no business setting foot on their world!"

"And you gave them hope?"

The forth Doctor beamed his broad grin again. "Why, yes. Hope, hope and even more hope".

"And how did you do that?"

"My dear, dear former self, how do you not see that? While you may have piqued their appetites with the notion of being simply wanderers in the fourth dimension, I did something far more. I took my companions to the far reaches of time and space, and I wasn't afraid to do it in an over long scarf and wide-brimmed hat. I showed them that there is a time and a place in eternity to enjoy a simple jelly baby with a wide smile on one's face, and that the joys the continuum has to offer can be anyone's for the taking, be he, or she, reporter, Timelord, human, or metal dog. And I wasn't too scared to have a little fun doing it!"

The first Doctor shook his head. "I can see I'm really not going to get through to you, am I?"

"Most certainly not! But before I go, won't you once try a jelly baby? They really are quite good!"

"My dear boy, much as I am loath to mention human food, there is only one to which I now wish to allude".

"You don't mean…?"

"I'm afraid I do. Time to say 'fish fingers and custard'!"

And with that the forth Doctor vanished, only to be replaced by an even younger man, dressed in a cream coloured suit and wearing something rather odd on his lapel, which the first Doctor immediately noticed. "And what, may I ask, is that?" he cried.

The fifth Doctor gave a warm grin. "It's a stick of celery".

"I can see that, young man. Why are you wearing it?"

"It can detect radiation".

"My dear boy, what is wrong with a Geiger counter?"

A hint of a frown crossed the fifth Doctor's face. "You can't eat a Geiger counter?"

The first Doctor stifled a "hmmf!"

The fifth Doctor took in a deep breath. "This isn't going to be easy, is it?"


	5. Chapter 5

**The Fifth Doctor**

The first Doctor tugged at his lapels. "Well, my dear boy, I imagine you never thought you'd have to justify yourself to me, now, did you?"

The fifth Doctor's face was a mask of shame as he looked down at what he was wearing. When he replied, it was slowly, with a soft voice. "No, I suppose I didn't. But look, whatever you want to know I'm sure I can provide some sort of reasonable explanation".

"Well I should hope so. In particular, I would like an explanation of…"

The fifth Doctor cut him off. "The Great Fire of London. Yes, I thought you might mention that. But the earth was under attack. A race called the Terrileptils had infiltrated seventeenth century Britain. If I hadn't done what I had to do, the human race may not have survived". He blinked and looked up sharply. "But having said that, the Great Fire of London is a fixed point in time. You do understand that, don't you?"

The first Doctor nodded quickly. "Quite, quite. I think you'll find I understand it better than anyone. It's just that…"

Again the fifth Doctor jumped the gun. "Adric? It's Adric, isn't it? You want me to talk about Adric. Poor Adric. He was misunderstood, you know. He just wanted to be part of something. To fit in. And he had such a keen mind. Mathematical puzzles, he lived for them, you know. So when he thought he'd found a solution to the problem on the Cybermen's ship, he had to prove himself. You understand that, don't you?"

"Of course I do, my good man. And, by his very death, he precipitated yet another fixed event in time. The extinction of the earth dinosaurs. An event which was entirely necessary if the human race were going to one day populate the planet. But no, my boy, what I wanted to talk to you about was something of a more personal nature".

The fifth Doctor gulped. "Personal? You don't mean…?"

The first Doctor nodded. "Yes. I am of course referring to…"

"The sharpness of my mind? Well, yes, I understand you would. You see I came out of my regeneration addled. I'd fallen from a great height fighting the Master. I don't even think I was self aware when I felt a great force merging with me, the Watcher, causing me to regenerate. It was a dreadful trauma, and I think it's perfectly understandable that my mathematical ability suffered somewhat. Still, it wasn't exactly befitting of a Timelord, was it. But at least I had Adric around for the most part. Poor Adric. But it was that same trauma that led me to unwind that ridiculously long scarf. I'm sure I felt you in my head before I did that".

The first Doctor let out a sigh. "Young man, what I was actually referring to was more to do with the nations on this planet you became most affiliated with; the United Kingdom and her colonies".

"Colonies? Ah, so you're referring to Tegan. You know, she was really very helpful. She was so often out of her depth, but she really tried hard. For someone who was only trained in serving food and showing people how to pull masks over their faces, her exploits in travelling with me were really quite extraordinary. And she was invaluable to me when the Master stole Concorde. But still, I just wanted to help her get to where she was going to, and that did take rather a long time, didn't it?"

The first Doctor shook his head vigorously. "No, no, no! You just don't understand, do you? You may have had failings, trials and tribulations. All of us did. Your companions may have been wilful and brash. You were persecuted by your fellow Timelords, even almost executed by them. But what I really want to know is why, for all that time, you were wearing that!" He pointed at his future self right in the chest. The fifth Doctor tugged on his pullover and looked at it for a moment. He looked up, still clearly lost in thought. And then he smiled. It was a genuine smile, full of joy, not a conceited grin. "Because I love cricket".

"Excuse me?"

"I even played it once, you know. In the 1920s. Think I did rather well if I may say so myself".

"But how can such a game hold so great a fascination for you? Why, some of the games played by children on Gallifrey are technically far advanced of that decadent earth pastime".

The fifth Doctor let out a short laugh. This only irritated his predecessor. "What's funny? Come on, what is it?"

"You".

"What do you mean, me?"

"Calling cricket 'decadent'. This is something you don't understand. You see, cricket, perhaps more than any other sport in England, is a symbol of fair play. Played and enjoyed by gentlemen, who head out onto the field and give of their best. They don't cheat. They don't hit below the belt. Win or lose, they just do the right thing. And that's always what I tried to do".

"My dear boy, sometimes you do have to punch below the belt to win".

"Then that means victory is worthless".

"And therein lies your problem, my good man. You are too gentle to be effective".

"But at least I know I was always doing the right thing. I always tried to put myself on the same level as those I travelled with. I even showed Nyssa how to pilot the TARDIS. They were never afraid of me, and that's how it should be. Now, do you have any more to say?"

"No, no, I think you've covered it. I never thought that one of my regenerations would be the living embodiment of modesty, but that's the thing about regeneration. You never know what you'll get".

"You know, if I drank, I'd drink to that!"

"Then it is time for us to part. Fish fingers and custard".

The fifth Doctor disappeared, replaced by a man in a bizarre multicoloured outfit with a mop of curly blonde hair on his head. His facial expression seemed to be one of disgust. "Do you mind, I'm not ready for you yet!"

The first Doctor tugged on his lapels. "Why? What were you were doing that was so unimportant?"

"A great many things I'll have you know! I have to ensure that my mind has its place in our current regeneration's memories, and that can be quite difficult!"

"Indeed, my good man, but not as difficult as the conversation we are about to have".

An air of pomposity seemed to seep into the new arrival. "And just what faults can you find with me?"

"Well, old boy, just from your clothes and your face you look like something a cross between an executioner and a clown. But we'll get onto that. Firstly we'll have to do something about that extreme arrogance of yours".


	6. Chapter 6

**The Sixth Doctor**

The two iterations of the same man regarded each other across the small unreal distance. The sixth Doctor cast an image of a proud romanesque face with fire in his eyes. The first Doctor simply tugged his lapels. "Well, I'm waiting", he said. "Why don't we discuss your extreme arrogance?"

The sixth Doctor snapped. "Arrogance?! Is that what you call it?"

"Is that what I call what?"

"Knowing what I am. Knowing about how intelligent I am, how my powers of reasoning exceed those of all humans, and, if we're honest, most Timelords. The only difference between me and all my predecessors is that I chose to admit what I am instead of hide it under a…" he paused for a moment. "'Bushel'. Yes, I think that what humans say: 'hiding it under a bushel'. In fact, don't you think I would be doing them a disservice to let them stand within a short distance of myself and conceal all the fountains of brilliance of my mind from them? Not a chance!"

The first Doctor smiled wryly. "And I suppose that's why you dress up as a clown then? To be noticed?"

"'Clown'? You think I'm dressed as a clown?"

"Well what would you say you dressed like, hm? You know, my dear boy, I once referred to my second self as a 'clown'. But you're actually making me think that I was a little hard on him".

"Well, I once fought the Sontarans with him, and if either one of us was a clown, I will certainly say…" He frowned. "Hang on, it's me were supposed to be talking about, isn't it? Yes, and why I dress the way I do. I'll tell you why I dress like this: to be noticed. I've spent too long hiding behind modest exteriors, when I was you and all those who came before me. It's about time I stood out!"

"So is that why you tried to reprogram the chameleon circuit on the TARDIS? To stand out more?"

The sixth Doctor looked pensive. "Well, no. Clothes make the man, not the vehicle he travels in".

"Then why change it at all?"

"Because it wasn't doing what it was supposed to be doing. It had been stuck since Totters Yard 1963! It's supposed to change to suit whatever environment it lands in, not get stuck in the form of an earth artefact that then travels through time and space!"

"Dear boy, do you actually presume to tell me how my own vehicle functions? Such arrogance!"

The sixth Doctor sneered. "It isn't me being arrogant. It's you settling for faulty equipment".

"And I suppose you looked terribly dignified?"

"How do you mean?"

"Well dressing like that and stepping out of a piano?"

"Well, okay, it didn't always work, but at least I tried to fix it. Now can we get past the way I dress?"

"Very well, my dear chap, I was just getting to that. What about your face?"

"What about it?"

"It seems to me to be the very image of an executioner!"

"'Executioner'? Of all the rot! Why did you…" He mid sentence and stood up as if a spotlight had just turned on around him. The first Doctor smiled like a teacher encouraging a young student to understand something incredibly simple, and when the sixth Doctor spoke, he did it very slowly. "You know, I do wonder where these faces come from. When I first regenerated, I thought it looked familiar, but I put it down to post regeneration trauma. Hang on. What was his name? Max…" He snapped upright again. "Hang on. Why are we even talking about my face. It matters only what you do with it, not who may have worn it before you! As I said when I first regenerated, it is a superior face. And that, my dear, dear predecessor, is all that matters".

"Arrogance matched only by ignorance", sneered the first Doctor.

"Excuse me?!"

"Well, you just said you suffered a post regeneration trauma. And then you say that it was then you realised your face was 'superior'? Tell me, my dear fellow, how could one ever be made to rely upon the judgement of one traumatised? Especially following being poisoned if I recall correctly?"

"Listen, unlike the rest of us, you've never had any post regeneration trauma to cope with. Could you imagine what it's like waking up in a new body, every single cell different with your neural pathways and all your thought processes changed? Particularly when you have such a great legacy to live up to?"

"Your immediate predecessor didn't seem to be concerned about such things".

"Precisely! So I had to live up to the legacy he didn't live up to, if you see what I mean!"

The first Doctor shook his head. "I finally see it: shellshock".

The sixth Doctor screwed up his face. "I beg your pardon?"

"It's simple, my dear fellow. You had suffered an immense trauma at the end of your previous life. You had lived for years as an unassuming man and had let yourself die in a painful way in order to save a human. As you died you felt weak, so you wanted to be strong. Yet you went about it in all the wrong ways?"

"Of all the… How could you say that to me?!"

"It's quite clear. The outlandish clothes you wear. Choosing the threatening face of your own executioner. Almost killing your companion".

"That was post regeneration trauma".

"As you keep saying, my dear boy. But all this appearance of a brash, arrogant young man was simply a reaction against what you perceived as a weakness of your previous selves. In short, you don't want to die again like you did before. I suppose…" he chucked, "I suppose that's why you …"

"Why I what?"

"No, my dear boy, forget it, I see you're angry enough as it is".

"No, I insist. It's my turn, I want to know what you think of me. All your judgements".

"Well, it's just that I believe that it could be your innate feelings of inadequacy that caused you to be talked into acquiring an exercise bike and drinking all that carrot juice". He laughed quietly to himself.

The sixth Doctor straightened up. "Well, if that's how you feel…"

"It certainly is, my dear boy". His laughing grew louder.

The sixth Doctor screwed up his face. "Well. I didn't come here to be embarrassed".

"What do you mean, my boy?"

"Never mind carrot juice. How about fish fingers and custard?!"

Almost before he finished his sentence, the sixth Doctor disappeared. He was replaced by a short man with a cream coloured jacket, trousers and hat. He had his back to the first Doctor but then he turned around, revealing himself to be carrying an umbrella and wearing a woollen pullover with question marks knitted into the pattern. "I take it you're after the seventh Doctor", he said.

Still quite shocked after the sudden almost suicidal departure of the sixth, the first Doctor mumbled a response. "Well, yes".

"Then that would be me".

"Quite, quite. And what do you have to say for yourself?"

The seventh Doctor raised his umbrella with its handle pointed upward, covering his face. The first Doctor could now see that it was fashioned in the form of a now familiar punctuation mark.

"Well", said the seventh, "that's the question, isn't it?"


	7. Chapter 7

**The Seventh Doctor**

"I'm waiting". The first Doctor was getting impatient.

The seventh Doctor lowered his umbrella so that its tip scraped the floor. "For what?"

"Well, for you, of course. And for what you have to say for yourself".

"You mean about the kind of person I am?"

"Precisely".

The seventh Doctor removed his hat and put it onto the mantelpiece. He then placed his umbrella next to the fireplace, almost like an impromptu poker. "Well, that's the trick isn't it? Everyone who's ever lived has so many different aspects to them, that to expect someone to relate all that he is, was, and ever shall be…" he stopped and sniggered. "You ever heard of Merlin?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Well as I was saying, to expect someone to sum up all that he is in just a matter of moments, before the onset of the apocalypse and those dreaded words 'fish fingers and custard', well don't you think it's a trifle to much to ask?"

"Then I ask for concision. Your predecessors managed it".

"But isn't this little exercise all down to the fact that we're all different? That you, for some reason, need to judge how we're all living up to your legacy?"

"My dear fellow, you have a talent for being obtuse. If you can't sum yourself up, why don't you tell me what your companions thought of you?"

The seventh Doctor put a hand onto his chin. "Well now, there was that one time that Ace referred to me as 'rad'".

"And how did that make you feel?"

"Aghast".

"Well, apart from being 'rad-aghast', what can you tell me, hmm? What about your adventures? Wasn't it you that finally unearthed the Hand of Omega?"

The seventh Doctor frowned. "Not my proudest moment. I thought it might pay off in the end. Rid the universe of the Daleks once and for all".

"An opportunity you had had once before and turned your back on".

"Yes, but once I saw all the suffering they were continuing to cause. Maybe I was just getting old. You'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

"Such base insults. So you thought to use the Hand to finally defeat your foes. The Dalek race, who had since divided into factions. With so many humans in the crossfire".

"I had little choice".

"'Little choice'? Cold and calculating is what I see. A man who conceals his dark nature behind parlour tricks".

"They're more than 'parlour tricks'. Being unassuming and decisive. That was what worked best for me".

"By becoming an amateur magician?"

"Did I mention Merlin?"

"I'm sorry, my dear boy, but these questions have to be asked".

"Well I thought that a little slight of hand suited me. Being able to make an object disappear one moment and reappear later".

"My dear fellow, I could make a large blue box disappear and reappear earlier. We all could. But why should these things begin to be of value to us only in your lifetime?"

The seventh Doctor looked sad. "I don't know, really. Maybe because I'd finally began to realise how old I was. How travelling in space and time and helping people was all I'd ever known. Maybe I'd become cold because I'd had to. I'd changed, my companions had changed, even the TARDIS had changed. Only the hatstand remained. Perhaps I thought that a youthful companion like Ace would invigorate me. Change me".

"And did she?"

"No. To tell you the truth, I think I changed her. Do you know she once beat up a Dalek with a baseball bat?"

"Quite. Everything you know, I also know".

"But maybe you're right. After all, I was the first regeneration who managed to get old".

The hat and the umbrella slowly faded into nothingness. At the same time, right before his predecessor, the seventh Doctor's hair began to grey. His skin wrinkled. He went on. "Only at the end of my seventh life did I begin to learn that one could never be too careful. And when I thought about some of the things I'd done when I was younger…"

"That's right. The pangs of age affect some more than others".

"I just began to think that I'd done everything I could do. The universe was more complicated than ever and saving it was a young man's game. Sometimes I could even feel the axe hanging over my head. Things had changed. Maybe it was time for the next generation to take over and give everyone else a new hope. Who was interested in an old man and his blue box?"

"My dear boy, you more than anyone else should realise that times change. People change. Once a light has gone on in the universe it can never be extinguished. You just felt tired".

"That's right. Maybe that's why I didn't suspect anything when the Master made the request that I take his remains back to Gallifrey".

The first Doctor tugged at his lapels. "And that's where everything went wrong, wasn't it? When your life finally vanished right out from under you".

The seventh Doctor slowly nodded.

"Yet don't despair", said the first Doctor. "As I said to Susan, one day I'll come back. And with regeneration as my ally…"

"Wait".

"Fish fingers and custard!"

The seventh Doctor vanished to be replaced by a much younger man. He wore a green velvet jacket and had long curly hair. He shot up to his full height and faced his predecessor. "Oh, sorry, wasn't expecting this. Not quite yet. I'm just trying to find my sonic screwdriver".

The first Doctor snorted. "Young man, few things in our lives are precisely as expected. Now why don't we have a talk about your life, and all this about being half human?"


	8. Chapter 8

**The Eighth Doctor**

"Half human?" the eighth Doctor echoed. "So just how did you get that idea about me?"

The first Doctor took a sharp breath inward. "Well, that's just what you said about yourself isn't it? 'Half human on my mother's side'?"

The eighth Doctor grinned awkwardly. "Come on, that was just a figure of speech. Like 'a penny for your thoughts' or 'put on your Sunday finest'. I can't expect people to take everything I say literally or the universe would be a very strange place".

"But even your old foe, the Master. He thought you were half human".

"Well, just as prolonged exposure to the time vortex makes a Timelord more Timelord, if you keep coming into contact with the human race, don't you think some of their charm rubs off on you?"

The first Doctor shook his head. "Unbelievable. If I had to pick just one quality to assign to the human race, 'charm' would hardly be it".

"You judge them too quickly. Really, they may only have one life each, but they're as varied and diverse as the Timelords. Some of them are good people".

"You mean like the urchin to whom you so freely gave a bag of gold dust?"

"Lee? He'd had a hard upbringing but he was a good kid. He just needed a break".

"And what about that doctor? Was it really necessary to kiss her as you did?"

"Necessary? Listen, you're the one who went all the way and had a grandchild. And anyway, I was a little addled".

"Oh, don't tell me: post regeneration trauma? Is that it? Hmm?"

"Well I was born in a morgue with amnesia. Hardly like coming into the world surrounded by a loving family, now is it?"

"But to kiss a human…?"

"Well when you're as old as I am, you have to be forgiving once in a while, don't you?"

"What do you mean 'forgiving'?"

"Well, she was a surgeon and she had killed my previous self. Accidentally, mind you, but if you'd asked the last person if he enjoyed feeling his hearts give out on the operating table I think you'd have got quite a strong reaction".

"But such strong fraternisation with people you hardly knew. People who had failed you. Could you call yourself befitting of my legacy when you act with such recklessness?"

The eighth Doctor gave a wry smile. "It isn't reckless. It's getting to know people. Do you know how many people's lives could have been so much better if the right person had given them the right opportunity? There are seven billion people on earth. That's seven billion potential geniuses, seven billion Einsteins or Mozarts. All it takes is one person to believe in them".

"Naïve tommyrot. How can such an assertion possibly be validated?"

"Ask my friend Gareth. He stopped an earthquake last year. No one knew about it, of course, but then near misses never did make the headlines".

"But that's only one person. How can you convince me you aren't reckless? What about the police motorcycle you so carelessly rode?"

"It got me where I wanted to go, didn't it? And, I might add, that's more than you can say about how you pilot your type 40 TARDIS".

The first Doctor closed his eyes and sighed. "Unbelievable. You argue like a human. When you are beaten, you resort to cheap insults".

"That's not a cheap insult. That's a fact".

The first Doctor snapped his fingers and pointed toward his successor. "Then isn't it ironic, that the most human of all my regenerations was the one who couldn't prevent the outbreak of the Time War?"

"Regeneration's a lottery. I can't pick and chose what I change into, you know that".

"But you were the one of us that did".

"Only because I had to".

"Was it really because you needed a soldier to end the War?"

"How do you mean?"

"Or was it because your tender hearts couldn't endure what was going on around you?"

The eighth Doctor balled his fists. "Listen: I tried to be human, I tried to do the right thing, but you didn't have to live through such times. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I needed to become an aggressive, powerful force for good, a light in dark times".

"And so you recklessly let loose a potential danger to the whole of the universe. Something that, for all you knew, could become more dangerous than the Daleks themselves".

"No. I knew it could never be as dangerous as the Daleks".

"And why would that be?"

"Because although he may not call himself 'the Doctor' anymore, although he may not live by the promises we made, he would still have a part of me, us, all of us in his mind. I had the choice to die a gentleman or to live to end a war. Tell me, Doctor: what would you have done?"

For a long moment, the first Doctor pondered. The eighth Doctor almost jumped when his predecessor finally spoke. "Yes. I suppose, in such a difficult time, I may have made the same choice. But still, to embrace humanity as you did, instead of your own people…"

"Forgive me, Doctor, but humans weren't about to destroy the universe".

"Then perhaps I should speak to the man that saved it. Fish fingers and custard!"

The eighth Doctor disappeared. He was replaced by a man with short black hair and large ears wearing a black leather jacket. As soon as he appeared, the man grinned and spoke to the first Doctor in a northern English accent. "Fantastic! Oh, fantastic! It's you! So now I suppose you want a little chin wag with me?"

The first Doctor screwed up his facial features. "Something's wrong. Fish fingers and custard!" The man in the jacket vanished, now replaced by a younger looking man wearing a brown pinstripe suit and a red tie with read and white trainers. He had angular features and brown hair, and wore a long beige coat. He beamed over at the first Doctor. "Awww, brilliant. This is brilliant!" His voice raised a good octave. "Do you know how long I've been waiting to talk to you? Years! Absolutely years!"

The first Doctor tensed his face even harder and closed his eyes. "Still not right. Fish fingers and custard!" The man in the beige coat disappeared only to reappear again an instant later. He beamed at the first Doctor and spoke again. "Sorry, not too easy to get rid of, this one. I mean, me. Timelord human metacrisis". He took a sharp breath in through his nose. "Have you met my right hand?"

"Fish fingers and custard!" cried the first Doctor. The man in the beige coat vanished now to be replaced by an even younger looking man with long dark hair and a bowtie: the eleventh Doctor. The first man the original Doctor had met in this place. "So that's it then?" asked the eleventh Doctor. "I thought it would take longer".

Now the first Doctor was very frustrated. "No! No! No! Fish fingers and custard!" He closed his eyes more tightly than ever before. The eleventh Doctor vanished to be replaced by an ever shifting blur of features. Parts of each regeneration flared into view and vanished in a light speed kaleidoscope of future selves.

The first Doctor muttered breathlessly. "Hiding. They're all hiding something from me!"

The blur of Doctors changed ever faster until it was just a white light.

"Where are you?" asked the first Doctor. "Where are you?"

All of a sudden he snapped and pointed forwards. "There!"

The white light vanished to be replaced by a man who didn't look at home in this virtual library. He wore a dusty leather jacket, flanked by a bandanna. His face was wrinkled, his hair cropped and he had a grey goatee. He slowly looked up at the first Doctor. "You know, I'm a difficult man to find. Even for you".

The first Doctor took in a deep breath, still jarred by his intense concentration. "Yes. It seems as though the others have tried their best to forget you".

"That's their choice. I did what I had to do, but not what I wanted to do. All those lives".

"Yes. But it's all my lives I want to speak of now. Or more specifically what part you played in them".


	9. Chapter 9

**The War Doctor**

The war Doctor's eyes narrowed and he folded his arms as he regarded his predecessor. "But maybe I don't want to speak about what I did in the War. Not to you or to anyone".

The first Doctor took a deep breath and angled his head upwards. "Not even to the man you once were? The man you come from? The man who lay as a boy in bed at night, crying, believing himself incapable of becoming a Timelord? Don't you want to show him what a mighty warrior you became?"

"Warrior, yes. But 'mighty'? That isn't for me to decide. Like I said: I did what I had to do".

"You mean abandoning your principles? Discarding the title you had used for centuries?"

"It wasn't like I had a choice".

"We always have a choice, my dear fellow".

"So what should I have done? Stolen a TARDIS and run off like you did?"

"No! You should have used your great intellect! Stood by the Counsel of Timelords and developed strategies to win the war! Not hidden in the shadows like a lost soul!"

"I could have no more stood with the Timelords that you could have stayed on Gallifrey all those centuries ago. In the course of the War they had become something else entirely".

"What?"

"Evil. Cold and calculating. Dark and brooding. Ready to use any measure they chose, however bloody, however destructive, just to kill a few more Daleks".

"Do you simply not understand, my dear man?! The Timelords wanted to destroy the Daleks. They intended to finally rid the universe of their filth once and for all! Do you call that 'evil'?"

The war Doctor adjusted his bandoleer. "And what about all the other races? What about the planets who weren't even advanced enough to have heard of the Timelords or the Daleks? What about the worlds that burned as collateral damage?"

"War always has innocent casualties. Sometimes you have to chose between the lesser of two evils".

"So crushing a caveman's skull is the lesser of two evils".

The first Doctor scowled. "That again. I lived for over four hundred years and that seems to be all my successors remember".

"And rightly so. Do you remember, Doctor? You only had one caveman to deal with. I had legions of Daleks and Timelords. Everything I did had potentially more consequences than even we could imagine!"

"So is that why you used guns? Turned the TARDIS into a makeshift battering ram?"

"The TARDIS can travel faster than light. It makes a very good battering ram!"

"Just as I thought: no finesse. No elegance. Just a man with two fists, no idea how to ensure the Timelords' victory".

"'Victory'? Is that what you think I was trying to achieve? You pompous ignoramus! For all your haughtiness do you really just not understand what I was doing?!"

The first Doctor tried to hide the fact that he felt insulted, but his body language just couldn't contain it. When he answered his successor it was with a soft, quiet voice. "So tell me. What were you trying to achieve?"

"Think about it, Doctor. Every Dalek lives in a tank. Every Timelord has thirteen lives! There were two factions fighting amongst the stars with superior technology and the life spans of entire races. I wasn't trying to ensure victory. I was trying to end the War any way possible!"

"And that's why you abandoned your title?"

"Sometimes you have to let go of the things you are in order to achieve the greater good. The Timelords had taken it upon themselves to rid the universe of the Daleks. It wasn't the first time they'd tried it. And other races, innocent, beautiful, ancient races were paying the price with every missed shot of the Dalek war engine! Someone had to do something!"

"So you would actually risk destroying your entire race? The wisest race in the universe?"

"I don't think they were the wisest anymore. Can any species really be considered intelligent who would consider entire civilisations as collateral damage. The Timelords had become nothing but a black hole: a threat to the universe. That's why I abandoned my title: because something needed to be done that perhaps a good man wasn't capable of".

"And was it done? Did you destroy your race?"

The war Doctor thought for a moment. "I think so, I . . .. It isn't clear. Something about the desert. Lots of sand. Sand shoes and a fez. The howl of a wolf. Then I was at a wedding. I was in a photograph, frozen in a moment of time for all eternity. But hang on, that doesn't make sense. It was centuries before the camera had ever been invented".

"Hmpf, I thought as much", the first Doctor mused to himself.

"What do you mean?"

"I ask a difficult question and you can only reply with the ramblings of a madman. You are trying to evade the issues of everything you did. I can only feel shame".

"Shame for what?"

"The man I will become. The man who stands firmly against his own people and does nothing to halt their destruction. And now I am afraid".

"Afraid of what?"

"To see those that followed you. Could any life of a Timelord be worth living that has yours preceding it?"

"You can't understand. What I did, I had to do".

"Then know this, my future self: as you forgot what you did, I shall endeavour to forget you. I shall ensure that when future generations think of the Doctor, they shall think of all the regenerations but you".

The war Doctor looked grim. "My dear fellow, I wouldn't have it any other way".

"Then we have no more, no more to discuss. Fish fingers and custard!"

The war Doctor disappeared to be replaced by a man the first Doctor had already seen. He had short dark hair, and huge ears. He wore a black leather jacket, and when he spoke it was with a northern accent. His mouth widened into a grin. "Fantastic! Oh! Fantastic! It is my go?"

The first Doctor folded his arms and did his best to look disgusted.

The newly arrived man frowned. "Hang on, didn't I just say that? Or something like it? Recently, I mean?"

"I see you are forgetful too".

"Forgetful? Nah, just the shock of appearing all of a sudden. Now what do you want to talk about, Jimbo?"

"Such rash foolishness. My good man, I'll tell you what we'll talk about. How about we start with that outlandish accent of yours?"

"Lots of planets have a north!"

The first Doctor beamed back and tried his best to look regal. "Yes, but quite mercifully, most planets don't have a Salford, or wherever it is you purport to hail from".

"Well", sneered the ninth Doctor, "if you can't stand the heat, you might wanna get out of the library!"


	10. Chapter 10

**The Ninth Doctor**

The first Doctor shook his head and spoke quietly, disdainfully to himself. "Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable".

His successor didn't notice, or didn't care about the disapproving tone of his former self. "So, how're you doin', pal? I've often wondered what you'd think of me, what kind of conversation we'd have. But I thought, 'nah, that'll never happen', so I put it to the back of my mind. But here, now, all I can say is: fantastic!"

At that point the minor rage finally erupted from the first Doctor. "Look at yourself, you fool! Just this afternoon I have witnessed all kind of abandonment of the principles I first established, but nothing like this! Why, you are nothing like me! Nothing like me at all!"

"Well granted the hair's a lot shorter, and I don't know quite why I need ears this big, but on the whole I think I got a decent deal in the last regeneration".

"I'm not talking about your face. Look at how you are dressed!"

The ninth Doctor pulled at the garment under his jacket. "What is wrong with this jumper?!"

"Not that, you fool! What about that leather jacket you are wearing! Why you look more like a U-Boot captain than a Doctor!"

The ninth Doctor beamed a wide grin. "You know, that isn't the first time someone's said that to me. Not that I'm a fan of U-Boots, of course, but at least it lets me blend in. With the crowd, you know". He beamed a little wider. "Almost like I'm carrying my own chameleon circuit around with me, all the time".

"But why? You are an academic. You come from a planet whose inhabitants are far superior than those of the earth. Yet you try to dress like one of them!"

"Well, I hadn't been to earth for quite some time before I regenerated". He paused and frowned. "At least, I don't think I had. Anyway, I'd been fighting in the War for so long…" His eyes thinned and a grim tone entered his voice. "I wasn't sure how much of me had survived. I remembered the earth, all the adventures I'd had there. But maybe, just maybe… I was beginning to think that perhaps I couldn't do it anymore".

"Do what?"

"What we always do: visit the earth. Make friends. Defend it. Protect it. I was hoping I could go back to my old life but I wasn't sure. The truth is, pal, I didn't want people to notice me. I dressed like this so that if it didn't work I could just fade away and go and live somewhere else. Is that such a bad thing?"

"Hrmph", acknowledged the first Doctor. "I do suppose war can change a man".

"Especially one who ends it like I did".

"So is this why you were so rash in taking your first human companion?"

"You mean Rose? Listen, she was one of the best. First time I ever met her she saved my life from a bunch of particularly nasty Autons".

"'Particularly nasty'? They were no threat. Your previous incarnations would have dispatched them far more efficiently".

"I managed to beat them, didn't I?"

"You couldn't even notice their transmitter!"

"I'd just regenerated! Anyway, it was big and there were lots of spokes and spaces. You can't blame me for something like that".

"But I can blame you for some of your other companions. What about Adam Mitchell?"

"Hey, that was Rose's choice. I'd been doing this years, she was new to it. Anyway, he's not much of a threat now. He lives in constant fear of people clicking their fingers. You know he used to be a big fan of the Addams Family?" The ninth Doctor beamed. "Well since our little misadventure he hasn't been able to watch a single episode!"

"Never mind the Mitchell boy. What about the Captain?"

"Captain Jack? Yeah, he never came over as someone I could trust, but he did help us out of a spot of bother. He was prepared to sacrifice his own life to get rid of a particularly nasty German bomb. Not many people I've known have been that brave".

"As opposed to yourself?"

"What? How do you mean?"

"How about your refusal to wipe out the hordes of Daleks invading the earth?"

"Listen, that delta wave would have destroyed every other life form as well as the Daleks. I couldn't do that, not again. And in the end, I didn't have to".

"Of course", sneered the first Doctor. "Your reliance on Rose Tyler…"

"Bad Wolf", the ninth Doctor corrected him.

"But to be blunt", went on the first Doctor, "your reliance on others topped that of all my successors".

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Rose Tyler saving your life against the Autons, the servant girl sacrificing herself to save you in Cardiff in 1869, Mickey Smith against the family Slitheen. You only survived your encounter with the Dalek in Utah due to its mutation".

The ninth Doctor frowned. "I haven't really thought about it like that. Maybe it's because I was just getting back into it. You know, like getting back into the saddle when you've had an accident. Finding your feet again. Maybe I just wasn't ready. But you know something?"

"What?"

"At least I tried".

"But what use is trying if you can only fail?"

"You never know you're gonna fail. Not before it happens anyway. Listen, you're the academic: isn't that the definition of bravery? Goin' up against something that could very well wipe you from existence? Not knowing how things are gonna turn out?

"My dear fellow, isn't that what I did all the time?"

"Yeah, but before you stole the TARDIS, you were just bored. Look at me. I was nine hundred years old. I'd just spent the last few decades fighting the Time War. I had baggage".

"Hence your jacket. And that ridiculous accent!"

"Yeah, I never knew quite where that came from. I have the strangest feeling that the last person I spoke to before I regenerated was a girl from the north of England, but that wouldn't make sense, would it? Anyhow, that doesn't matter. Look, what I'm tryin' to say is that I got back into the saddle even though I'd more than likely fail. But I didn't".

"You only survived through luck!"

"Nah. Like you said: I had Rose. She may not have had any A levels but she's probably calmer in a crisis than anyone else I've ever met. And giving my life to save hers at the end; that doesn't really sound like a failure, does it?"

For a long moment the first Doctor didn't speak. "I suppose in some measure you are correct. You had endured far more trauma than the rest of us. And it would have taken much courage to go back to what you used to do. Courage or stupidity, either in equal measure".

"Oi! Less with the stupidity! You know, it makes me cringe when I remember being you being so condescending. Why don't you lighten up, have some chips, throw yourself in? You never know, you may like it!"

"Preposterous to the last! I agree that you may have been coming back from an all time low, yet I remain totally unimpressed by your vulgarity".

"So, I suppose it's time, isn't it?" asked the ninth Doctor.

"You surmise correctly. Fish fingers and custard!"

With that the ninth Doctor vanished to be replaced by a younger looking man in a long beige coat and red and white sneakers. He had an angular face and spiked hair that didn't move as he looked at his predecessor. "Aww, this is great!" He sniffed in a breath of air and raised his voice an octave. "No, I mean it, I've been waiting for this… well, at least since I knew it was going to happen". He frowned. "Which isn't that long at all, really. Just most of this afternoon". He snapped back to attention. "Hang on, this is it, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you're not just fast forwarding through me again in search of some fugue state conscious-suppressed Dalek-conquering warlord are you?"

"No, this is quite your time".

"Good! Because being a footnote once an afternoon is enough. Now. What is it you want to talk about?"


End file.
